Falling in Love with Yourself: Unveiling Relationship Patterns and Healing Trauma | Taiwanica Solo S2 EP 8 with Anita

愛上自己：揭開感情模式與療癒創傷之謎 | Taiwanica SOLO第8集與Anita

Join Anita in this Taiwanica Solo episode as she delves into the keys to building healthier connections. Here are three highlights:

1. Discover the Power of Self-Adjustment:
   Learn how becoming the person you want to be in a relationship is the first step to finding true love. Anita shares practical tips on self-adjustment to break patterns and foster positive connections.
2. Wisely Navigate Relationship Conflicts:
   Anita's metaphor of building a house emphasizes the importance of adjusting and adapting during conflicts. Explore how changing your approach and communication style can bring harmony to your relationships.
3. Heal from Past Trauma:
   Explore the significance of identifying and forgiving past traumas. Anita shares personal experiences and a step-by-step guide to healing, highlighting how forgiveness has transformative effects on your current and future relationships.

加入Anita在《Taiwanica》的獨白，她深入探討建立更健康感情的關鍵。以下是三個亮點：

1. 發現自我調整的力量：
   學習如何成為你想在關係中成為的人是找到真愛的第一步。Anita分享了有關自我調整的實用技巧，幫助您打破模式，培養積極的連接。
2. 以智慧應對關係衝突：
   Anita建築房屋的隱喻強調了在衝突期間進行調整和適應的重要性。探索改變您的方法和溝通風格如何帶來更和諧的關係。
3. 從過去的創傷中療癒：
   發現識別和原諒過去創傷的重要性。Anita分享了個人經歷和一個關於療癒的逐步指南，強調原諒對您目前和未來關係的轉變性影響。

Join this episode of Taiwanica as Anita explores profound insights into relationships. Discover why falling in love with yourself is the key to finding true love and how identifying and healing past traumas can transform your connections. Anita shares personal experiences, practical advice, and steps for self-adjustment in relationships. Whether you're seeking love, exploring friendships, or enhancing self-awareness, this episode provides valuable insights. Connect with Anita on her new Instagram page dedicated to love and relationships. Tune in for an hour of wisdom, guidance, and a journey towards healthier, more fulfilling connections. #LoveandRelationships #HealingTrauma #TaiwanicaSoloEpisode #SelfLove

加入《Taiwanica》的這一集，聆聽Anita對感情的深刻見解。了解為什麼愛上自己是尋找真愛的關鍵，以及識別和治愈過去創傷如何改變您的連接。Anita分享了個人經歷、實用建議和自我調整在感情中的步驟。不論您是尋找愛情，還是在探索友誼，或是想要增強自我意識，這一集都提供了寶貴的見解。在Anita的新Instagram專頁上與她聯繫，該專頁專注於愛情和關係，並加入不斷壯大的台灣風情社群。收聽一小時的智慧、指導，以及朝著更健康、更充實的感情之旅。#愛與關係 #創傷療癒 #自愛

Transcript

Love_Anita

[00:00:00] Hello, everybody. Welcome to Taiwanica solo episode, episode 8 I will be your solo host today, Anita. Hi, everybody. Very, very, very excited to be here. And I got to choose the background and I like if you're watching YouTube video, I am sitting on my Lovely chair, my lovely corner, this is my comfort zone to do my things.

Because today I will be talking about relationships, which is the topic I like to talk about. And a lot of people ask. Advices and suggestions from this topic is relationship. So in today's episode, I will be talking about falling in love with yourself is the best way to find true love. Why is that?

The second one is we all carry trauma from our either past relationships or our relationship with our parents or friendships. Just keeping my relationship is a big topic. Yes, most [00:01:00] of the time we will be thinking about romantic relationship with our partners, boyfriends or girlfriends, but the things that you learn from today's episode can be also applied to your friendships and your relationship with your parents or your siblings.

Overall, it just can be applied to all different kinds of relationships. Yes, I didn't, I haven't done solo before for a while. So I'm a little bit nervous, but I'm going to try my best to tell you all the things that I know. First thing I wanted to say is, Why is it falling in love, with yourself is the best way to find romantic relationships.

Psst, psst. If you notice yourself going from relationships to another relationships and it kind of ended pretty much the same reasons, and you found yourself start saying like, Why am I always end up with the guy? Why am I always with a relationship like a girl [00:02:00] like that? Be aware that might be something you need to work on with yourself first.

Okay, I will be telling you guys why that would be, that's something that you can start working with yourself. But let's talk about falling in love with yourself. Every time when we are looking for the relationship, we want somebody to make us feel loved. Or it could be the simpler reason, just like, Oh my, all of my friends are having boyfriends and girlfriends.

Or, I feel lonely during Christmas. Nobody's having romantic dinner with me. It's so sad. Or, I'm getting old. You know, which is In Taiwanese society, it's 30 years old. For me, it's 30 years old is still young, but if you find yourself like, oh, finding myself getting older, like 30, my parents keep on telling me to get married my, my, my clock is ticking, I need to get kids.

Whatever reason that is, we're always trying to find a reason for somebody to [00:03:00] fix. Have you noticed that? I was lonely because nobody was having dinner with me during this certain amount of time or special time of the year. I want that someone to be there for me. Or I'm getting older, I need to find a person to have family with.

I want that person to fix that for me. Or, you know, I just feel lonely. Or I wanted to find somebody that gets me. Right, whatever you are looking for, you can provide it to yourself. This is the truth nobody has ever talked about, which I would like to share my personal affirmation with you right now.

The affirmation I say to myself is, I am what I need and I will attract who I am. Let me say that again. I am what I need. I will attract who I am. You have to be the person that you [00:04:00] need and you have to be the person that can give you the love that you've been always searching first. Then you can go out there to attract this similar person to you.

So that's why I said the second sentence, I will track who I am. We, we tend to find our, our source to fix our issue. Me personally, when I was young, I did not have really good relationship with my, my parents. So what I want after I graduate from university is to get out of my house. So. What do you think?

A girl who just graduated from university, still young, how am I gonna get out of my house? How am I gonna pay the rent by myself? The easiest way is to find a boyfriend who probably, you know, rich, can provide me the life that I want. You know, so that's what happened to me. I always looking for this [00:05:00] trait for a certain people can provide what I need.

Of course, like I said, it always end up in really bad terms. I won't, I won't share the, the relationship story of my past here, because that's not the focus today. So anyways, I always trying to find someone to fix my problems and it always end up in a bad term. So I started to play the blame games. I, Oh my God, I'm just the person who just has bad luck all the time. I don't have really good relationship with my parents. Now that I'm in a romantic relationship, all the boys are like this. Oh my God, what happened to the world? Excited to, go down to this self pity spiral. So, back to what I was mentioning about, you have to fall in love with yourself, you know, how hard it is to figure out who you are, it's not an easy job, and not many people are putting the effort to know what I really want.

What do you want from a [00:06:00] relationship? Ask yourself, take time, sitting down, get a piece of paper, like, what is the most ideal partner for me? If it's not powerful enough, put your name on it, like, what is the most ideal partner for Anita? Listing out, if you ask yourself a serious question, your list wouldn't be handsome, rich, tall, those kind of things.

Right, most of the time when I ask, they always give me this answer like, He has to at least taller than me, good looking, maybe rich. Yeah, those are great. Ask yourself deeper, what is it I really want? Do you want to be in a relationship that you guys can grow up together, like self growth together and go out and try new things?

Do you guys want it to have an adventurous relationship? Do you want that for yourself? And you got a piece of paper and then you will know. Okay, so you ask the most ideal partner for you. You have all those [00:07:00] traits. Wonderful. Get into as many details as possible. And then you ask, what kind of partner?

Can give me that. And now you have a, you have a perfect list, right? Like, probably you would be like, Hmm, the person has to be understanding, compassionate, loving, and, always going out searching for new things to have self growth. Okay, great, now you have a list. Do it first. In order to have the relationship that you want, you have to be that first.

It is so strange, it is, because when you're starting to do that you no longer need anybody. And that's when the person starts to show up, because that person is just like you. That person is not looking for anybody else to fix their problems. You're not, you're not fighting anybody else to fix your problem, right?

You are what you need. And then that's when you [00:08:00] guys start to attract each other. Because you provide this independency. You provide this loving. Loving vibe, whatever you wanted to call it. You just have this, you know, confidence and within you like I'm this person. I'm loving. I am compassionate. I am happy.

I am joyful. Whatever that is, try to achieve that and people will attract will just automatically get attracted to you and you will find out that person also have the similar trait as you do because if A self pity person or a person who has low self esteem, they wouldn't get attracted to a person who is having a lot of confidence, right?

when we are happy, we just tend to be attracted to the person who is happy. It's just simple as that. So first thing before you jump into any kind of relationship, doesn't matter you are. Just broke up with your, your relationship, or you're looking [00:09:00] for somebody, you're looking for some relationship, or you are in a relationship, it's never too late to have this kind of list.

And be the person you describe on the piece of paper first, and we'll see, I'll see what can life bring to you. You will start to see your, life circle start to expand, to track those people that you never thought will come to your life, they will showed up right now. Just so because you open the gate, you open the possibility.

Everything I talk about is not like very visible, but people can feel it. Everybody is a very intuitive person. We can sense it, you know. give you a perfect example, when you walk into the, office. In the morning, you will know is today your boss happy or not. Everybody's like, oh, I feel like the boss is not really happy today.

You can sense it, because we can show, we can affect other people by the way we present ourselves. In order to be the person you want, there's nothing [00:10:00] you can fake, you know. So, first thing. Before you wanted to find a relationship or any kind of romantic or friendship, if you're looking for friendship, it's the same, be that person first.

The same, question, what kind of friend would I want? What do I want from my most ideal friendship? List it out, and be that person first. So, this explains why falling in love with yourself is the best way to find true love. Okay so that's the first thing, fighting true love. Second if you find yourself, maybe in the relationship or any kind of relationship, just find yourself, seems like you're always having a fight, or get angry, or similar situation happens to you over and over again repeatedly then, I would say it's a really good point for you to start looking into it.

So like I mentioned about it a little bit. Like if you find yourself like, why is my boyfriend always like this?[00:11:00] Why is my relationship always ended like that? That could be a pattern you should pay attention to first. Relationship is both ways, right? You're another partner. That to be said, you also have the 50 percent of responsibility to take.

Think about relationship is like building a house. You find a piece of land. Oh, it's perfect. All this land is in the location I really want. I wanted to start to try to build a house and see what my house will look like, right? And everybody has their own imagination, like. I want my house to be in a certain way.

And that's when you started building a relationship. Everybody has this expectation for a relationship. That's why, like, you should write it down. Like, what does the relationship mean to you? And then you met this person who is kind of like on the same page as you. Like, Oh, he's also liking the house that you are describing.

Then that's when you guys start building, right? Oh, I put on the first block and you do the same. [00:12:00] And then we started to build the first wall together. And when you are building this house, sometimes might have some, you know, problems in when it, within the house, maybe, you know, we built the wall wrong, the wrong angle or you know, the pipe has some leaking problem when this kind of tiny little things happens it's always not just in the relationship, yep.

Every time when a bad thing happens, every fight happens, it's a good thing. It's a really, really good chance for you to turn the table, turn the situation. Depends on how you take care of it. So, the same idea within the relationship is how you take care of it with your partner, and how is your partner taking care of the same situation with you.

It is so important. So, if you find yourself fighting the same issue over and over and over again, you know what to do. Think about what can you do differently? We are so into a certain pattern, you know, we would just say, oh, this is the way I take care of things [00:13:00] This is this is just me. This is my personality.

I'm just straightforward I always say what I want to say, but you know if you find yourself Always end up giving you the feedback. It's not as ideal as you want it to be Maybe it's the time for you to adjust a little bit That's the keyword here, adjust. We cannot change who we are for just overnight.

It's, it's impossible. What can I adjust? If you're always going straight forward to tell the other person what you want, and the other person always give you the feedback that's like, Super against what you're saying and then they'll be having a big fight leading to like a Silent treatment for like a week and then kind of playing the game like who says sorry first Is this really what you want again?

If you find yourself in this kind of situation either Writing it down again. What do I really want a relationship or how do I want my partner to? handle conflicts with me, you know Ask yourself [00:14:00] this kind of question and be there first again, if you find yourself, the way of taking care of conflict with your partner does not lead the result that you want, you could be the first one taking the initial action to change.

If you be that person. Again, it shows who is in control, you are in control of the situation, and you also are giving a chance for the things to go to a different direction. Maybe for the first try, you try to adjust your attitude or your way of doing things a little bit, does not work, try it again, try, you know, different angles, okay, maybe we can find a time to sit down, talk to each other, or we write it on a piece of paper and exchange our opinion.

Doesn't matter what that is. Go ahead and try. Just like I say, get a piece of paper. How do you want your partner to handle the conflicts with you? Be that person first. Okay, so that's how you taking care of the situation, thinking about the building [00:15:00] houses examples. In order to have a building, build the castle or the most ideal house that you have, you have to adjust along the way because you're, you Building the house from the ground up, a lot of work. And in between, fun to make small adjustments here and there. And it's more fun if you have a partner who can do that with you. So when a situation happens Either you're in a relationship or you look back to your previous relationship with. Your ex boyfriend or girlfriends or with your mom or with your dad, with your friendships, always like this, then that's when you start to adjust a little bit.

Okay? So The third one, I will be talking about a little bit about trauma. how to identify trauma. Simply put Trauma also has different levels, like very mild you know, probably when I was a kid, I got scared by a dog one time.

So now I was kind of, you know, [00:16:00] intimidated when I was seeing the same type of dog, for example. That's a trauma, you know, a little bit just very mild level. Or it could be like really, really big impact in your life. Like, one of my boyfriends cheated on me with my best friend, and now I cannot trust anybody, you know.

Example. That's like a high level trauma. But simply put, to explain trauma, which is your past experience causing you unpleasant memories. And now that we are in the modern time, which we are not living in the past anymore, but when the similar situation happened, or somebody say a certain word, could be a trigger.

For you to leave and go back in time and live at the moment when the first time the trauma happened. That's basically a trauma. Yes. That's from the mental level. You know, we remember, we can talk about a [00:17:00] lot of histories or stories from our past. Like when I was 7th grade, you know, my best friend cheating on my boyfriend.

You know, we can talk about this. That's from our memories. So not only your brain remembers those past events that happened, your body also remembers it. When we are experienced a different types of situation that happens in our life, like happiness, joyful moments you know, like first date with my husband or my the first time I saw my son, you know, those kinds of things, very, very special events that happens in our life, not only our brain remembers it, our body also remembers it.

Okay, so that's why trauma is a very, very important topic. I'm not saying that you should start to, you know, go back in time and find out all those traumas. Not necessarily but if you found yourself having the same [00:18:00] issue with your relationship, especially in your relationship, that might be.

From your trauma. I wouldn't say it's a previous trauma because if you didn't heal your trauma, the trauma is actually still happening, right? Doesn't matter how old you are. Somebody, somebody did a certain things that would just still bring you back to the first time the trauma happened, right? So if you didn't heal your trauma.

That was still happening simply put is like that. So why is it trauma so important from for everybody? I'm just gonna be very direct with you. I don't think there is someone who has no trauma whatsoever. I don't think that's the case. Doesn't matter how old you are, we must have you know, few previous experience make us feel uncomfortable.

Like I said, you know, there are different [00:19:00] levels. Maybe when the level is not so serious, you know, I probably got bullied when I was in kindergarten, these kind of things. It's just, for me, it's just like, yeah, it does not matter, right? Because I was young, it was a long time ago. But, why am I sometimes find myself, like, when I see my son, other kids was kind of like, stealing my grab my toy from my son, I have had the same feeling, that I wanted to react, I want to punch the kids in the face, it's actually the similar trauma, you know, so To, to see your trauma like that.

Like I said, I don't want you to just start to, you know, look, look back to your childhood and try to fight those traumas, but instead pay attention to your emotions can help you a lot with identify your trauma. Why is identify your trauma important? Because once you identify it, you can. Forgiving. When you forgive your past trauma, you open up, you release the [00:20:00] negative things.

You get rid of the negative emotions or the chemicals that's been stored inside of your body for a long time. That means you open up for more positive and wonderful things to happen to you. Okay, so, examples.

Because I have a lot of trauma from my mom. It's just the truth. I've always been very honest with you guys since the first episode. So my mom simply put, my mom is a person who always been very she likes to guilt trip a lot. So she either guilt trip you on saying like, All right, fine, I don't care about you anymore, if you really wanted to do the things that you want to do, you don't want to take my advice, fine, go ahead and do it, I don't care about you anymore.

Things like this, or she will give you a completely silent treatment for extended of time, sometimes could be weeks, if I record it correctly. So those two things traumatized me a lot when I was a [00:21:00] kid. Of course, right? If, if, if a baby, the parents saying such things, like if you don't do the things I told you to do, I don't care about you.

You know, for a kids, I mean, doesn't matter how old you are, but especially for kids, it's like, Oh my God, my world's ending, you know, this kind of moment, or your parents don't talk to you or treat you like Nothing treat you like a ghost, I would say. Of course, it would give you a certain amount of abandonment, this kind of feeling.

So I found myself in the relationship, previous relationship, when I was discussing something with my partner. And if my partner has a different opinion, I will always I will just try to do what my partner is suggesting me. I will just say to myself, you know, what I want doesn't matter. I will do what my partner said.

Because I don't want the same thing happen to me. I don't want the same feelings that my [00:22:00] mom gave to me when I was a kid. So I always kind of, I thought I was making everybody happy. I thought I was trying to get the approval in the relationship. But, that's my pattern. Cause I always end up in, you know, holding grudges, like resentment.

Just because I didn't Tell the other person what I really want, or even achieve what I really want, instead I try to please my partner, so of course this kind of pattern lead to, you know, end up in the resentment, I have resentment towards to the partner, so it always end up like this kind of situation.

So that's one, and the other one is, I don't, It's my trigger. Like, if I talk to somebody and then somebody doesn't give me any response at all, I will just snap. I will be like, did you not hear me already just talking to you? I was talking to you. You know in a more aggressive tone. two are my traumas.

Of course, in the beginning, I didn't know that was my traumas, [00:23:00] but I did notice that happens multiple times, so I start look into it. That's what I found the connection between my current relationship with my past trauma. Okay, so that to be said, what do we do if we found our trauma?

Forgive. There is no better way to do this. Use the examples my mom treated me, like ghosted me or silent treatment. Right now still affects my relationship, right? Based on my, my examples I share with you guys. So what I would do is I'll sit down and close my eyes and bring myself back. To that moment, like, you know, there must be some significant moment that you just experienced that vividly, that you can see the picture, you can feel it still happening, go back to the moment, you don't have to forgive your mom, or whatever the person is doing to you, simply, my way is I will use my imaginations go back in [00:24:00] time.

Like if I see Per se, five year old Anita got silent treatment from her mom, and she was very, very sad. And it's okay. I imagine myself as, like, me right now, the adult version Anita, and go back in time, and just sit there with my self and say, It's okay. It's okay for you to feel this way.

It's okay. Your mom doesn't mean to do that. And do you need a hug? I can give you a hug. You know, just hug yourself. You will cry. Most people. Yeah. The feedback that I got from my from my clients, they cried a lot. Because they feel like some part of their some part of their heart just healed, you know.

Some magic moment happened. But it's nothing magical, it's just literally you allowed yourself to heal and you don't feel so lonely anymore because when we, every time we think about childhood, especially the dramatic moment that [00:25:00] happens to us, we feel so lonely and so little because we are little, like when we're young, but if you do in this way, like you showed up as a more mature person to guide the younger self, it's Everybody has an inner child that needs to heal.

Then you are the one who is guiding this younger version of yourself to heal. So, this is also the act of loving yourself. It's also very important. So, everything all just kind of connect together now. So. Trauma, pay attention to the unpleasant moment that you experienced with your relationships.

Because today the topic is about relationship, friendship, and your all the relationship with the people who's around you. Pay attention to those unpleasant moments and ask yourself, why do I feel this way? And what is the emotions that I feel right now? If you are interested, that's what actually [00:26:00] Taiwanica has been doing, is telling you those different kinds of emotions, right?

So if you are experiencing some emotions that you don't know how to identify it, maybe you can go back to our previous episode to find, oh, maybe this feeling is guilt, or maybe this feeling is gratitude, or different, you know, different feelings. Identify your feeling and ask yourself, why do I feel like this?

Okay then more likely you will find the answer. And once you identify your problem your trauma, then you can start healing. Keep in mind, the healing process usually, you cannot get done within one day. Different person have different situation so the healing time will be different also that will affect the result will affect by how long you're doing it, how often you're doing it how aware are you with your Self and how much are you tuning with your emotions, but in order to have a better [00:27:00] relationship or just overall feel better, I think it is worth of your time to just slow down, paying attention, especially when you're experiencing a negative experience with your partner.

so that would be everything that I would like to share with you guys. As you all know, we have Taiwanica, so feel free to go there, leave a message, just say you are leaving a message to me if you wanted to ask more about romantic. Our love questions, or like any kind of emotions, feelings, or if you wanted to ask meditation questions, you can leave the message to Eric as well.

But me personally, I'm building a new Instagram page just for Love and relationships. So I will provide the link down below and on Taiwanica Instagram. Feel free to go [00:28:00] there and follow my love and relationship account on Instagram. And that will be just me. So feel free to leave me a message and connect with me there.

Because it's just a new, it's just a new baby. I just started to build that. So the content is still a little bit less. But I will try my best to put in as much as possible. So, that will be it. Thank you for sitting down with me for and have an hour today to listen to this episode. I hope you have a wonderful day and be the person that you want to have to have a relationship with and I hope you have a wonderful life and I will see you next time. Bye!